Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy. "I thought you packed it". Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy,
"Did you bring the bottle opener?". Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts. "
I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F***ING GOING"
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turnoff the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
At the motel room checkout desk, Harry handed the clerk $50."I'm sorry, sir," the man said, "but this won't cover your bill."
"The hell it won't," Harry barked. "The sign outside says rooms are 40 bucks."
"But that doesn't include the food," the clerk explained. "Your total is $75."
"But I didn't eat any food."
"It was there for you. If you didn't eat any, that's your fault." Harry glared at the motel employee for a moment.
"OK," he finally said, "then you owe me $100."
"What for?" the confused clerk asked. "For screwing my wife."
"But I never touched her!"
"That's your fault," Harry shrugged. "She was there for you."
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents' room, so he decided to investigate. As he entered his parents' bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth. "Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?"
"It's OK son", replied his father. "Your mother wants to have another baby, that's all". The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother on her knees sucking furiously on his father's penis.
"Dad!", he shouted, "What are you doing now?".
"Son, there's been a slight change in plans", his dad replied. "Now she wants a BMW!"
A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her ass. The doctor said,
" okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there". The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese. the doctor said, "what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese". The man said,
"I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!
Sadie lost her husband years ago, but was still in mourning. Her daughter constantly urged her to get back out into the world. Finally, when Sadie was ready, her daughter set her up. Sadie and Joe hit it off immediately and, after dating for weeks, he invited her to join him for a weekend at the beach. Friday night, after a nice dinner and drinks, she undressed, except for her black lace panties. Sadie announced, "My breasts you can fondle; my body is yours to explore; but down there I'm still in mourning." Joe quickly figured out that he wasn't going to get lucky that night. But on Saturday night he was prepared. Again, Sadie got undressed down to her black panties, but this time Joe's erection sported a black condom. She asked, "What's with the black condom?" Joe replied, "Tonight I intend to offer you my deepest condolences!"
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."