Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army (or Navy, Air Force or Marines), meet interesting people,kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If you are psychic--think "HONK."