Q. What is the difference between a girl and a computer?
A. A computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin and your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you are not. But you only have the one asshole. Feel better?
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such a thing?" replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
Little Johnny asked, "Mommy what's that between your legs? She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "Grandma what's that between your legs?" She replied, "That's my squirrel." Little Johnny said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours." Grandma replied, "Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you fucking bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we are going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck you every time!"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."